Twelve Stepping

Twelve Stepping b

By Amara Magomola

INTRODUCTION

The Twelfth Step of the 12 Step Program reads as follows: “We continue to carry the message to the alcoholic/addict who still suffers and practice the principles in all our daily lives”. Many people who are in recovery assume that because they are practicing the spiritual principles, have completed the 12 Step Program, and go to meetings to share their recovery stories of experience, strength, and hope are twelve stepping. However, in the traditions of Akron, Ohio; the Twelfth Step means going about and actually trying to ‘carry the message to the alcoholic/addict who still suffers’ and guiding them into recovery at the best of their abilities. No more, no less. Back in 1935, when Alcoholics Anonymous first started with Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob Silkworth; the concept of one alcoholic helping another was one of the most selfless yet self-rewarding gift that the alcoholic could do for the other. Instead of the alcoholic brooding over how he was going to avoid the next drink or obsess about why he can’t drink; he would find himself a still suffering alcoholic in the brinks of misery to tell him about the Program of recovery, hope, and freedom. The still suffering alcoholic would get the gift of compassion and understanding as well as seeing that he didn’t have to live the rest of his life suffering the DT’s, lying to himself and others, and falling in the oblivion states of intoxication.

“In the two years between the first and second printings (of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous), the word ‘experience’ in the 12 Step was discussed at length. As time went by, letters from alcoholics started to come into the main office from people who did the work out of the Big Book and did not have the ‘white light’ spiritual experience that Bill Wilson had. They were writing to see if the mere gradual experience that they were having meant that they would not recover from alcoholism. This was the reason for adding Appendix II (on the Spiritual Awakening). Eventually, the word ‘experience’ was replaced with the word ‘awakening’ in the Twelfth Step. The Big Book authors made the modification in order to include those who lives had truly changed more slowly over a period of time. A spiritual awakening is nothing more than the psyche change that, among, other things eliminates our obsession to drink”. (Working Step 12 from ‘Barefoot’, Bill L.). Having that spiritual awakening is vital before one begins to carry the message. Mainly because when the recovering alcoholic is Twelve Stepping, his job is not to preach but to be the example of recovery and the only way he can do this is to appear as a changed man. A spiritual awakening is a change in personality which can also be shown as a man who was once self-pitying, bitter, and selfish to has transferred into a grateful, happy man full of serenity who enjoys the selfless act of one alcoholic helping another. This approach will surely make the still suffering alcoholic consider the Program of recovery as real change and not some feigned act or spiel that he has heard so many times from his partner, co-workers, friends, and other spiritual advisors who have no real understanding of what is like to have the physical allergy and the mental addiction of alcoholism and any other mood-and-mind altering substance for that matter.

There are many different ways of twelve stepping: 1) volunteering at an AA main office in your town; 2) being on a service board at your homegroup as you take calls; 3) availing yourself through a member of the Fellowship; 4) being on an H&I (hospital and institutions) service board; and 5) simply finding a still suffering alcoholic/addict in your friendship circle, family, or neighborhood. It’s a simple practice that takes time to learn well as there will be many times when a recovering addict will be shocked at the situations that he finds himself in and the ungrateful still suffering alcoholics as well as the ones who relapse over and over again. But there is an amazing joy for the recovering addict knowing that he has at least tried and on some occasions succeed in making some whole and getting the still suffering alcoholic/addict truly accepted in the 12 Step Program. This job requires profound humility and a certain level of humbleness so the recovering alcoholic/addict puts principles before personalities. It requires patience, compassion, tolerance, and unconditional love. In fact, twelve stepping simply requires everything that was given to the recovering addict/alcoholic so freely and giving it to someone else for we can only keep what we have by giving it away.

REMEMBERING

What does it take to twelve step? Simply put, all a recovering alcoholic/addict has to do is remember what it was like for him when he was twelve stepped. One thing that will stand out is the incredible love, patience, and understanding that may have scared, intimidated, or perplexed the alcoholic/addicts as he was coming in and out of his intoxicated states. It would be well to remember the stories from other recovering alcoholics/addicts about their own experience of addiction and their recovery. This act does two things: a) allows the still suffering alcoholic/addict to relate and identify with the experiences of powerlessness and hopelessness and b) immediately acknowledge the recovering alcoholic/addict as his equal. It does so much greatness for both the recovering and still suffering alcoholic/addict to go back to the days when he could not (for the love of God) stop drinking or using drugs, when he got angry with himself for making so many ill-forgotten promises about how he would quit only to find himself in a casino or at a bar again, the guilt and shame that is experienced after the blackouts when he is told about the degrading and embarrassing moments he revealed to everyone in his state of intoxicated states , and the misery of acknowledging the self-inflicted prison he built himself around his drug use and sexual exploitations. These personal stories also allows an intimate connection to unravel between the still suffering and recovering alcoholic/addicts that has never been really experienced before and it also encourages a bonding and sense of unity. Equally, it creates the opportunity for the still suffering alcoholic/addict to see the recovering one as an equal. The still suffering alcoholic/addict will be more wiling to tell his own insights without feeling the shame of pity that he has seen in so many eyes because he will know that I some form or another the recovering 12 Stepper has gone down the same dark path as he has.

With remembrance, it will become much easier for the newly recovering alcoholic/addict to start a conversation with a still suffering one. Instead of waiting for some admittance or discourse regarding denial, all the newly recovering alcoholic/addict will do is begin his share with ‘I remember when I thought there was no hope…”. He won’t even have to rehearse the monologue since the pain and darkness will seem just like yesterday. At some point, the still suffering alcoholic/addict may add to the share or tell his own version of events of his first and last drunk or any inbetween stories and this is where the chance of recovery may happen for the still suffering alcoholic/addiction as he will be brining himself out of denial of his addiction. What the relating stories will also do for the newly recovered alcoholic is bring back the deceits, agony, and anguish of remembering what it was like to be powerless over alcohol/addiction and vividly remember what it was like when his life was unmanageable. It is vital that the recovering alcoholic/addict never forgets his experience which is also one of the many reasons he attends his regular 12 Step meetings. This is how 12 Stepping becomes a selfless and self-rewarding experience for both the recovering and still suffering alcoholic/addict.

THE SPIRITUAL AWAKENING

In nine times out of ten, a recovering alcoholic/addict will receive his first spiritual awakening at the end of working the 12 Step program (although many have received it towards the end). “Quite often friends of the newcomers are aware of the difference long before the recovering alcoholic/addict sees it in himself. He finally realizes that he has undergone a profound alteration in his reaction to life and responses to life’s situations, that such a change could hardly have been brought by himself alone. What often takes place in a few months could have seldom have been accompanied by years of self-discipline. Most of us think this awareness of a power greater than ourselves is the essence of spiritual experience. Our more religious members call it ‘God-consciousness’. Most emphatically we wish to say that any alcoholic capable of honesty facing his problems in the light of our experience can recovery, provided he does not close his mind to all spiritual concepts.” (Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, pg 567 – 568, fourth edition).

A spiritual awakening known as a psyche change or change of personality is the most profound experience in recovery and it is one that almost ensures a lifetime recovery. Some experience it as haven woken up one day and found themselves in full conscious contact with God of their understanding with the new awareness that he must be as honest, selfless, and compassionate he has experienced his relationship with the God of his understanding. Through working the 12 Steps as prescribed in any of the 12 Step support meetings (AA, NA, GA, OA, etc.) the intense work and knowledge that a person has to do regarding his self-awareness will create an opening in his conscious to want to become honest, open-minded, full of integrity, humble, and seeking humility as he compares his life without these principles and considers the idea of living with them; he makes the conscious choice in acting with these newly received standards in his daily life. In the beginning, it becomes so obvious and almost difficult to do the right thing as he argues with his pride, self-entitlement, and selfish reasoning about why he can’t simply continue live a self-directed life. But eventually, with enough practice and self-awareness work in the Program; he relinquishes his self-will and follow his God-conscious more often then not. As soon as this behavior becomes second nature; it is suffice to say that the alcoholic/addict has had a spiritual awakening.

It is through this phenomenon where 12 Stepping becomes the next obvious choice and its also through this awakening where the still suffering addict wants what he has as the newly recovered alcoholic/addict has a new light and serenity that is simply attractive. Without having a significant spiritual awakening; it is difficult to impossible to have a genuine 12 Stepping call without coming across as hypocritical, self-righteous, and preachy to a still suffering addict. During the early years of Alcoholics Anonymous, Bill Wilson, (one of the first recovering alcoholics who developed the 12 Step Program), attempted to twelve step several people in hospitals and other institutions and almost always failed. Disheartened, he reached out to Dr. Silkworth and queried why he wasn’t making any headway and why were his 12 Steppers always relapsing. Dr. Silkworth told him that there was no use going to a still suffering alcoholic and telling him that he ‘must quit drinking or else’ or speaking to him in a somewhat holier-than-thou manner yet expecting results. Remember, alcoholics and addicts already suffer from a superiority-inferiority complex and the job for the recovering alcoholic/addict is to come across as a friend, an equal.

In Bill Wilson’s story (found in chapter 1 of the Big Books of Alcoholics Anonymous, he was 12 Stepped by a friend who never told him or what to do. In fact, when Bill insisted on drinking his gin right in from of the potential 12 Stepper; he was never requested to stop immediately but instead Bill saw in him an incredible serene light and considered to himself ‘never mind the musty past; here sat a miracle directly across the kitchen table. I saw that my friend was much more than inwardly reorganized. He was on a different footing. His roots grasped a new soil. My friend promised…I would enter upon a new relationship with my Creator; that I would have the elements of living which answered all my problems. Belief in the power of God, plus enough willingness, honesty, and humility to establish and maintain the new order of things, were essential requirements.”

12 STEPPING A FAMILY MEMBER

This is one of the easiest and hardest tasks availed to the newly recovered alcoholic/addict particularly because it cuts so close to home and there is an understandable reasonable doubt that he has a fighting chance for the most part – didn’t the newly recovered alcoholic/addict also used to get drunk with the wife, parent, cousin, aunt, or uncle? On the other hand, it is in spite of these acts that will make the family member listen because he will see that this man or woman who once got trashed and had an overdose or two has found a new way of life. The family member will probably be so amazed at the transformation of a once useless, hopeless creature and is somehow found a way of life around finding a way of life without alcohol, gambling, or using drugs and has entirely turned his life around finding peace, happiness, and has progressed into a fulfilling life. It is advised that the best times to meet with this family member who is a still suffering alcoholic/addict is when he is at his worst, depressed state and feels like giving up because this is when he will be willing to listen to any solution to not go back to life of drugs, alcohol, gambling, and meaningless sex lifestyle. This is the prime time to go to the family member and ask one simple question: would you be willing to quit this way of life if you had the opportunity? For the most part, the family member will respond with a ceremonious ‘yes’.

Tell the family member about how found sobriety without necessarily mentioning going to a treatment center as this will probably make the family member resist all over again. Rather tell him or her about the meetings you have attended at AA, NA, GA, SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) and tell him about the multitudes of people you have found introduced to who have come from this powerless way of living and have found hope, strength, and acceptance in a community of other addicts who are also clean and sober. Perhaps invite him to a member or if he doesn’t want to go have a small meeting at your house so he can have a clear impression for himself about what these meetings are like and are about. There is a chance that the family member may benefit from being around other alcoholics, addicts, and gamblers like himself and may be interested in joining a 12 Step meeting. At that point bring some literature home or share your own literature with him and suggest doing some stepwork together. If all else fails, ask the family member whether he would be interested in going to a treatment center and then show him to one or two so he can see that it’s not a concentration camp or a cult like most still suffering alcoholics/addicts are convinced of.

12 STEPPING A FRIEND/CO-WORKER

First and foremost, it is highly advised that the recovering alcoholic/addict does not go back to the old using buddies as they have a stronger chance in causing a relapse then being twelve stepped. Rather the recovering alcoholic/addict should see if there are any new friends or associates, perhaps ones from the Fellowship who haven’t yet decided to come clean, or ones that appear to have a problem with sex, gambling, substances, or alcohol. The recovering alcoholic/addict should approach the friend as a loyal, loving friend and half-heartedly bring up the subject of alcohol/drugs/sex/gambling abuse in order to see if a reaction is complete repulsion or curiosity. If the friend is repelled, keep trying on a different day. The best time to achieve such a conversation is when the person is going or has gone through a rock-bottom experience i.e. when he has at the verge of losing all his money, his family or partner, alienation, or he is about to lose his job or house or even in a morning when he is having heavy hangover or going through mild withdrawals. At this point, the alcoholic/addict is desperate and will jump at any opportunity for a way out of his self-inflicted hell.

Tell him or her that you used to be are also an alcoholic/addict in recovery and mention the years of addiction along with the months or years of sobriety so he can have a glimpse of the before and after picture. Alternatively, get some pamphlets from your 12 Step meeting and leave them around where your friends will run into them; that way curiosity may get the better of the friend and he may decide to peruse the literature for himself. Either way, the approach will have opened the door of recovery ajar enough and now all the recovering alcoholic/addict has to do is gently reel him. Contrary to belief, all alcoholics, addicts, and gamblers want help and it’s simply a matter of good timing to approach the idea of recovery so the recovering alcoholic/addict can afford to be a little cunning about going about this way. However, unlike with a family member, the recovering alcoholic/addict can only show the way for his friend or co-worker and invite him to attend a meeting with you but only out of his request can you recommend a rehabilitation center.

12 STEPPING IN OTHER PLACES

Volunteering at the AA main office or at a call centre is a wonderful place to begin one’s first experience in twelve stepping. The beauty of volunteer work is that you have many people around you who are either professionals or other recovering alcoholics/addicts who can show the steps so one doesn’t have to feel so inundated with this overwhelming pressure of saving another person’s life. The only qualifications one needs is to be a recovering alcoholic/addict who has a certain amount of clean time and sincerely want to carry the message of hope, strength, and experience.