LOVE ADDICTION II Narcissistic Love Addiction

LOVE ADDICTION II

Narcissistic Love Addiction

INTRODUCTION

Narcissism has been defined as both a mental and personality disorder where the person has an unnatural sense of self-entitlement and self-importance. Some of his typical characteristics would be selfishness, arrogance, conceitedness, vanity, and can be sociopathic in relationships. The narcissistic person seems to be quite convinced that the world revolves around him and rules any environment that he establishes. The sense of superiority that a narcissistic person actually involves his inferiority complex as he suffers from a low self-esteem, feels highly inadequate and because he can be such a strong perfectionist he can be a high achiever but has no actual social or interpersonal skills therefore he is the thorn in any environment he stands in. The narcissistic in love is highly attractive to other love addict such as the codependent, ambivalent, and romance love addict as his ability to create a romantic world that gives him the premise of being the king or the ruler; these counterpart love addicts are aroused by his sense of authority and often wish they could have the same confidence and ability to act in highly pressured situation therefore they are need his company to compliment their lack. Alternatively, the narcissistic love addict finds himself drawn to the relationship, seductive withholder, and torch bearer love addicts as they feel appreciated around them yet he is enchanted by the ‘Rapunzel-syndrome’ that gives the narcissistic love addict the important role of playing the hero and prisoner at the same time.

“The inherently dysfunctional ‘codependency dance’ requires two opposite but distinctly balanced partners: the pleaser/fixer (codependent, ambivalent, romance love addict) and the taker/controller (narcissistic). The pleaser/fixer – who is giving, sacrificing, and consumed with needs and desires of others – do not know how to emotionally disconnect or avoid romantic relationships with individuals who are ‘narcissistic’ (who are selfish, self-centered, controlling, and harmful to them). The pleaser/fixer habitually finds themselves on a ‘dance floor’ attracted to partners who are their perfect counter-match to their uniquely passive, submissive, and acquiescent dance style”. (Rosenburg, The Dance Between Codependents & Narcissists, 2013). The pleaser/fixer is will always the one who will be unfulfilled and can become bitter in the relationship with the narcissistic as he will constantly do everything in his need hoping that he can establish some emotional or intimate connection yet cannot seem to rectify in his mind and heart that this is a hopeless, dysfunctional relationship. The narcissistic will always have this pseudo-image of having everything he wants in the relationship as he now has someone he can control over but deep down inside he will be unfulfilled as well. Unknowingly, the narcissistic also needs challenges both psychologically and emotionally to help him grow and develop. However, it is often the intensity that he may mistake for passion that the narcissistic is addicted to and this is why he finds him unable to get out of these relationships or attract the pleaser/fixer. The narcissistic may well in deed be seeking an equal to give him the true fulfillment in a relationship and could be frustrated that he always find a submissive, passive lover making him always have to be the adult in the parent/child relationship and he can end up eventually resenting this person and these types of relationships.

Narcissisms is generally a flaw in someone’s’ character that may be permanent although the 12 Step Program (particularly the written work done in the stepwork guides) may be able to manage these defects of character, however, regardless it is possible that a healthy relationship can develop with a narcissistic person so all is not lost here. There are some checkpoints that a partner can work with dealing with a relationship. One of the things that a partner can look for is the willingness of the narcissistic to change. The narcissistic could be advised to seek to treatment but this is a long shot as the narcissistic feels that his behavior is not only okay but just, however, couple therapy could be the closest format of therapy a partner could attempt. Learning how to be assertive and deal with conflict resolution is the most vital element dealing with a narcissistic lover. Learning new communication skills will be highly effective for the partner so he can be able to maintain his grown and learning how to demand respect from the narcissistic is the one way of dealing with him. The partner must also understand that to a certain degree the narcissistic is a child in adult clothes and he needs to feel value and appreciated but like a child he needs to create healthy boundaries. Giving in to the narcissistic too often will only teach him to manipulate and control the partner and it will only nurture the dysfunctionality of the relationship.

THE PERSONALITY OF THE NARCISSISTS

Narcissisms is actually more of a learned conditioning than the authentic characteristic of an individual. The narcissist generally has come from a family where he was either over-idolized or imposed to become the Hero in his family role causing the individual to build up a pseudo-confidence and superiority complex although the narcissist’s subconsciously would have simply preferred being acknowledged, appreciated, loved, or even simply seen for who he really is despite his gifts or talents. “The extreme narcissist is frozen in childhood and tends to have major attachment dysfunctions. The trauma (in his childhood) was devastating to the point it almost killed the child emotionally. The pain never totally gone and the bleeding was continuous. In order to survive, this child has to construct a protective barrier that insulates him from the external world of people. He has generalized that all people are harmful and cannot be trusted”. (de Victoria, How to Spot a Narcissist, 2008). The narcissist has had stunted growth and, like any other addict, subconsciously has stagnated at the emotional age where he was traumatized to the point where he no longer trusts anyone and always feels threatened in relationships.

Generally, there are different kinds of narcissistic as they have their own personal neurotic needs that must be fulfilled to feel compelled to stay in a relationship. There is the comedic narcissist who deflects with humor and should anyone attempt to get to the core issue of his problems (daily or otherwise); the comedic narcissistic will be quick to defuse the intensity of the moment with humor. Then there is the ‘corporate’ narcissist who is especially diplomatic, polite, and incredibly cautious particularly when it has to do with personal relationships as he needs to appear considerate and concerned which is a great deflection for other people to think that the ‘corporate’ narcissistic could have any problems or vulnerabilities of his own. This liberally caring tactic of the ‘corporate’ narcissistic masks the reality that this narcissistic couldn’t give a hoot and is actually a manipulative, callous, and methodological robot of a person and so the ‘corporate’ narcissistic can have his cake and eat appearing kind and actually being the master controller. The bad ass narcissistic is the one that is the most concerning one as he uses his tough nature and the self-reliance mentality to cover up for his inner wounded child therefore he not only hurts other people but creates successive personal injury onto himself. Then there is the well-known narcissistic who is success oriented and uses people to enable him to get to the top of his game or be renowned in his enterprising society. However, as soon as the success oriented narcissistic has taken all he can from his counterpart; he will leave them in a second as he continues to black widow his career onwards without any form of guilt or remorse and a lot of hurt, resentful people behind him.

The narcissistic personality disorder has the basic characteristics of a person who is dramatic, emotional, unreasonable, highly irrational, has extreme fantasies regarding power and attractiveness, embellishes his achievements and people he knows; exaggerates his sexual encounters; demands praise and compliments and can be aggressive/passive-aggressive when he does not get it; exploits others, possessive, jealous, envious, and deflects his emotions by either using humor, not answering the questions, or pointing the questions back at the questioner. The narcissist in love is oppressive and will manipulate his partners in subtle or overt manners often breaking their self-confidence and self-esteem. He will ensure that their partners understand that he is ever so lucky to be with him and he is the ‘bread-winner’ in the relationship in one aspect or another. The narcissistic can be dangerous especially if he has extreme possessive or jealous qualities as he can be hostile and violent. He can physically threaten or abuse his partner if she steps out of line, doesn’t follow the psychological/emotional subconscious rules in the relationship, or if the partner threatens to leave the relationship. Many abused women have narcissistic partners.

A RELATIONSHIP WITH A NARCISSISTIC LOVER

As mentioned before, the narcissistic lover subconsciously seeks the pleaser/seeker as she will supply his emotional and psychological neurotic needs by nature. Some of the reasons why the pleaser/seeker puts up with this dysfunctional relationship is because of the fact that the pleaser/seeker has his own irrational and distorted cognitive needs for a romantic relationship. The narcissistic love addict tends to look to relationships in order to build his sense of personal achievement and self-esteem which means that they do not look into relationships for affection or love purposes. It is more like what can his lover do for him or how the narcissistic love addict feel better about himself. When the narcissistic is crossed with a codependent person, he is invited into a relationship where he can get everything that he seeks in a relationship without needing to do anything in return as the codependent is more likely to please the narcissistic by any means necessary and has no expectations of receiving anything from the emotional or psychological perspective.

Dealing with a narcissistic in love is time-consuming and depletes the energy of the partner, however, there are some people who are compelled to give in to the needs of the narcissistic. For example, one of the reason why the codependent love addict cannot resist falling for the narcissistic is due to the very nature of the codependency acceptance of need for love relies on the need to people-please. The codependent person has basis his self-esteem on the approval of another person and when the narcissistic is on the prey; he uses his intense attentive attraction to lure the codependent into a relationship where the codependent falls under the illusion that he will be taken care of. To a large degree, one can observe that both the codependent and narcissistic love addict both need to be taken care of. The codependent has no sense of self-belief that he can be self-reliant whereas the narcissistic feels entitled to be taken care of therefore in their own ways they both explore this sick form of nurturance. The codependent lover also feels a safety and has this inner need to be taken care of which the narcissistic accommodates, however, the codependent lover will have to compromise his need to have an emotional and intimate relationship. The codependent will be stifled from this relationship but he will rather try harder, be nicer, be more accommodating, and ultimately sell his soul just to have the narcissistic stay in the relationship. As for the narcissistic, he probably will be oblivious to what is happening as these people can be rather superficial and as long as they are getting the appreciation and admiration that they want from the relationship they will stay. Besides, the narcissistic always has the upper hand and as long as he has the power of the relationship; he will be fulfilled.

The ambivalent love addict seeks nothing emotionally from the narcissistic which makes no real difference to the narcissistic as he doesn’t necessarily need attention or affection from a partner to stay in the relationship. In fact, a relationship between the narcissistic and ambivalent love addict can work mainly out of respect that they are both cold and aloof but they need to be in the relationship as an asset so they can appear as though they are still serving their neurotic need for personal achievement. In this detached relationship, although neither the ambivalent or the narcissistic is genuinely getting their needs or wants fulfilled; they are able to live in this dispassionate relationship particularly if they are both of the academic type as they can find intellectual intimacy and thrive on these cerebral-bonding. If neither the ambivalent nor the narcissistic has been partial to romance or have had a deep emotional experience from their parents or anywhere in their childhood; one could say that it is a healthy relationship. Healthy would be defined in the sense as neither of the partners are exploiting the other to have emotional or psychological needs supplied by the other nor are they are necessarily attacking or violating the other’s vulnerabilities.

“The narcissist dancer, like the codependent, is attracted to a partner who feels perfect to them. Someone who lets them lead the dance while making them feel powerful, competent, and appreciated. Typically, (the pleaser/seeker) give of themselves much more than their partners give back to them. As generous – but bitter – dance partners, they seem to be stuck on the dance floor, always waiting for the next song, at which they naively hope that their narcissistic partner will finally understand their needs. They are convinced that they will never find a dance partner who will love them for who they are, as opposed to what they can do for them. Their (romance love addicts) low self-esteem and pessimism manifests itself into a form of learned helplessness that ultimately keeps them on the dance floor with their narcissistic partner”. (Rosenburg, The Dance Between Codependent and Narcissists, 2013).

The romance love addict tends to become attracted to the narcissistic love addict as he appeals to the drama and the intensity that the narcissistic love addict will provide in the relationship. For the romance love addict, he is excited about the euphoric prelude to a mature intimate relationship and although he will feel cheated by the lack of narcissistic participation in willingness to be confidential and vulnerable in the relationship; the romantic love addict will attempt to provoke the narcissistic into giving information. Usually what happens is that the narcissistic will be roused by the continuous goading of the romantic love addict. The romance love addict, being infused by the drama created by this friction, will find himself seduced yet repelled by this relationship. The dance of the narcissistic-romance love addict is quite tumultuous which creates the intense passion instilling the lust and euphoria that will make any love addict even more fanatic about this zealous relationship. The obsession of the romantic love addict to get the narcissistic to open up will be make him powerless in the relationship and the confusion between the aggravation-passion from the narcissistic in this dramatic representation of a relationship will be the bond, as unhealthy as it may be, for these two love addicts to get lost in love with each other. This kind of relationship is unsuitable and can cause more heartbreak, anguish, and pain for both partners which need a third person to interfere.

HOW TO DEAL WITH A NARCISSISTIC LOVE ADDICT

It would be unrealistic, and unfair, to avoid all narcissistic love addicts labeling them evil or unrighteous therefore undeserving of love or relationships. Anyone can have a healthy relationship with them if they are willing to understand some thing about the narcissistic love addict. First of all, a narcissistic love addict is capable of love although one would call it an immature love. Remember the narcissistic is unwilling to deal with emotions and feelings therefore the narcissistic could in deed feel genuine love with another person but be in denial of it. Attempting to force the narcissistic to realize his feelings is unbeneficial and a futile point as well as it would only cause further chaos in an already turbulent relationship. The best a person can acknowledge is that there is love from the narcissistic love addict but not nearly the kind of love that is probably required particularly if one is looking for that everlasting, intense, mature kind of love that could develop into a long-term relationship or marriage. First of all, what needs to be understood is that the narcissistic is living in a fairy tale world where he wants his love relationships to stay in this fantasy relationship where the honeymoon goes on forever and ever, amen. The narcissistic love addict is only willing to stay in a relationship when the extravaganza and idealism of romance is there. As soon as the relationship becomes real and he has to deal with relationships, has to be accountable to feelings, and has to sit through the monotonous every day experiences; the narcissistic will run from the relationship as though it was diseased.

The receiving partner should not take it personal as this is his reaction to the relationship and not the person therefore it goes without saying that a person with a high self-esteem can deal with a narcissistic love addict without getting burnt much easier. If the other person is a love addict; he must be weary of his own vulnerabilities and insecurities. For example, if the other person needs a partner to make him feel adequate, requires emotional intimacy, and to be either in charge or at best equal to his partner then he might be best advised to move on to someone else because a relationship with the narcissistic love addict will exploit all these things leaving the expectant partner used up, tattered, or addicted the narcissistic or the relationship all the while feeling drained, resentful, and sour. The important thing to understand from the partner willing to explore a relationship with a narcissistic addict is that the relationship is temperamental, exploitive, and manipulative all the while containing intense passion, extravagant romance, and the kind of parent-child nurturance that may be addictive. That being said, the first thing that must be evaluated if possible from the narcissistic is whether or not he has had any history of violence or abuse in his past relationships. Naturally, the narcissistic wouldn’t openly admit to it but the partner can gather evidence from his behavior (particularly regarding how he reacts to confrontation and conflict with the partner or anyone else) and from hearsay through any of his friends or people who know him. Should there be a history of violence, it is best to have a ‘let’s don’t and say we did’ mentality and walk away quickly.

The partner who decides to involve himself with a narcissistic love addict must brush up on his assertive skills. He needs to prove to the narcissistic love addict that he will not be pushed around which will either make the narcissistic love addict bounce from the relationship or it could allow the narcissistic love addict to respect him. Gaining the narcissistic’s respect can be for your advantage as he admires anyone who is willing to contest him and if the partner can stimulate any challenge; the narcissistic love addict can grow and develop emotionally from the relationship which will benefit both partner greatly. Being willing to say ‘no’ and not back down to the narcissistic love addict’s demand will test him greatly and there will be times when the narcissistic will attempt to manipulate these disputes. If the narcissist gets testy and decides to leave the relationship than he is simply not mature enough to deal with an adult relationship and there is no point chasing after him as it will prove to him that the partner can be duped thereby after awhile the partner will begin to resent himself even more than the narcissist or the relationship’s demands.

Another way of loving a narcissist is putting clear boundaries whether they are emotional, mental, physical, financial, or psychological. Emotional boundaries that can be put in place is showing assertiveness, being equally demanding when deciphering his emotions and vulnerabilities, forcing quality intimate times instead of just putting up with sexual encounters or superficial conversations, and being firm when the narcissist pushes buttons by stating that it will not be put up and if continued physically remove oneself from the conversation. When the narcissist attempts to play mental games of deflection, sexual mind games, or attempting to suggest that the partner is intellectually inadequate; the partner must confront these issues in non-subtle ways in order to be clear that this behavior will not be put up with. For example, the partner can be more assertive regarding deflection by playing off his avoidance tactics by constantly returning to the unanswered questions while perhaps laughing off the comedic moments or answering the evasive questions that the narcissist will attempt to hide behind. Sexual mind games generally should not be put up with at all particularly sexist or prejudice comments as this will only give the narcissist the advantage of making a joke out of the relationship and inadvertently the partner. Immediately leaving any narcissistic who uses violence (even if it appears trivial as if the partner shows the narcissist that he will put up with any form of physical violation including sexual harassment) should not be put up with at all and the partner should immediately evict himself from the relationship.

Economically, the only way that the narcissistic can have any power over the partner is if he is in charge of the partner’s finances or if the partner relinquishes financial control. However, there will be hints that the narcissistic is attempting to violate his boundary by way of offering to be the sole provider, choosing how the partner should spend his money, inviting the partner to share a bank account, inviting the partner to leave and relinquish her accommodation to live with him and such subtle ideas. They should be resisted and even if the partner, for whatever reasons has rationalized the narcissistic’s ideas to make logical sense; the partner should still have the accommodation or her savings account for boundary purposes. The psychological boundaries that the partner could put up is by ensuring that she lives a balanced life socially which could mean spending quality time with her family, loved ones, and friends and share with them anything that she may feel uncomfortable going on in her relationship with her narcissistic love addict. Many people feel that disclosing personal information regarding their relationships is a social taboo as well as a betrayal of their relationship, however, that is a false thinking. It is not only healthy to have a third person’s perception but it is valuable to have an objective opinion especially when it is being given by an associate, counselor, or a passing-stranger. Nine times out of ten, most people find it more comfortable to confide in someone they do not know that well like a stranger or a counselor possibly because that person either does not know them at all or has a very narrow projection of the person therefore being open and vulnerable to these people are easier because there is never going to be an ongoing friendship established.