STAYING SINGLE FOR THE FIRST TWELVE MONTHS IN RECOVERY

STAYING SINGLE FOR THE FIRST TWELVE MONTHS IN RECOVERY

by Amara Magomola

INTRODUCTION

Coming out of addiction for however long one has been a suffering addict is difficult as it is and adding an intimate romantic relationship is not only adding more complication but it can actually jeopardize one’s own recovery. Being an addict regardless of whether it is alcoholism, drugs, gambling, sex, or food involves various modes of inappropriate learnt social behaviors, dysfunctional attitudes, and strong cases of codependency that makes any kind of romantic relationship impossible in addiction for both the addict and his/her partner. Professionals from treatment centers and those involved in the Fellowship of the 12 Step Program recommend that during the first twelve months of recovery; the addict refrains from these kind of intimate relationships to allow the addict to avoid hindering his/her recovery but also to allow healthy growth and development of the addict to learn better skills of social and emotional behaviors as well as learning self-sufficiency.

Most addicts dislike the idea of being singe partially due to the fact that many addicts have lived a long time in basic isolation (often self-inflicted) and this scares the addict in recovery because he or she first initial emotional reactions to recovery may be boredom, fear, and general loneliness. Some addicts, particularly sex and drug addicts, have grown accustomed a lifestyle of fast relationships and with meaningless sex which is why it is difficult for these addicts to learn to live a life without these common acts especially since many argue that the rest of society and their peers are allowed to have these things. But addicts must be quick to remember that they are not like the rest of society; the reality is that they have pathological minds with harmful behaviors to themselves and others. They must also realize that their life in singlehood and celibacy is not a lifetime mission but a temporary situation that will not kill them or make them social deviants.

Recovery affords emotional sobriety, social skills, spiritual principles, and healthy socio-psychological behaviors and attitudes that are not learnt overnight and take a long time to become imbedded in the subconscious of these recovering addicts. "Less than 13% of addicts have only one addiction and sustained recovery is more successful when all addictions present are addressed. Finally, addictions do not merely coexist but actually interact with each other." (Carnes, The Making of a Sex Addict, 1998.) When an addicts puts his recovery first he or she can secure a better life and has the ability to stay assertive in relationships and create boundaries to avoid being manipulated and being exploited. It is also beneficial for the addict to focus on his or her recovery for the first year so that when he or she begins dating and having intimate relationships he or she will be able to evaluate the partner with more discernment and avoid falling into typical love and sexual addictive behaviors.

TYPICAL MISTAKES THAT RECOVERING ADDICTS MAKE

Thinking that he or she can know the difference between lust and love:

The addict has been living years chemically manipulating his or her neurological make-up by artificially stimulating or sedating the hormones in the brain creating altered states of euphoria; sublime conditions; and neurotic needs for rewards/results and personal achievements. The addict can easily confuse lust and love feeling that when he or she meets a person that that feeling caused by the release of dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins which will be automatically be considered to be what people say is what ‘love at first sight’ feels like. However, love is not an initial or immediate feeling and is only developed during a period of time and spending intimate time with a partner. Ironically, many drugs such as heroin, cocaine, ecstasy, as well as alcohol and activities like gambling, eating, and sex also releases these same hormones which is why many people fall into addiction as they are enticed by the immediate results of feeling happy, confident, and having the hypersensitive sensations that cause euphoria and they spend insurmountable time finding and using these drugs or consuming their time and energy on these addictive activities. Addicts are emotionally immature and this infantile thinking stagnates their behavior to seek pleasure first and avoid pain at all costs which is not how the real world works. The addict has not learnt this which is what caused him to use drugs in the first place.

An addict has spent the better part of his or her life doing non-loving and self-harming behaviors and acts purely due to the idea that they have not learnt self-acceptance which leads towards self-love. The old adage that states a person cannot truly love another person until he or she has learn to love oneself could not be more appropriate for the addict. Recovery teaches an addict to find healthy ways to care and love for oneself and their fellow man gradually. Many addicts have said that after a year of recovery and discovering the heinous acts of injury and harm that they have done to themselves and others have been the turning-points in their lives. Through removal of the addict’s defects of characters, shortcomings, and making various amends in their personal lives and relationships; the addict will inadvertently learn how to love and demonstrate love in healthy ways so by the time they start dating and finding intimate romantic relationships in their new lives, they now can develop and maintain meaningful and fulfilling relationships.

Thinking that Dating Will Not Jeopardize Recovery

Many addicts are convinced that after a few weeks or months of staying sober and not committing themselves to addictive behaviors and habits that they will be able to deal with all that encompasses an intimate relationship. However, have they asked themselves such questions as: what if my partner cheats on me?; what if I abuse my wandering eye?; and what will happen to me if the relationship ends for no apparent reason? The biggest issues with an addict in and out of recovery are self-pity, anger, and resentment. Interestingly enough, these three things also happen to be the addict’s main defects of character and even a couple months and even years of recovery will not break these behavioral syndromes.

Dating someone means not putting yourself first which is difficult for the addict to understand particularly in the first twelve months of recovery because the addict is by nature selfish, self-centered; and totally self-involved. Addicts also are the world’s greatest manipulators and con men and when the addict cannot get his or her way or control his/her partner or the relationship; he or she will gradually become angry and eventually resentful. During the first twelve months of recovery, the addict’s mind is still emotionally immature and has his/her perceptions which makes them take everything out of proportion and his/her perceptions are both inaccurate and by and large judgmental. Therefore, the addict is easily angered and in a relationship this will cause disharmony, fear, and the eventuality of the end of the relationship occurs for obvious reasons.

The addict, from his/her distorted perception, will not blame oneself and will refuse to take any form of accountability of harm in the relationship. This will breed resentment whether it is rational or irrational and this is where the defects of character can jeopardize recovery. Everyone wants to feel more pleasure than pain and the addict take this need at an abnormal extreme. Most people understand that life means dealing with a certain amount of discomfort and pain and they tend to deal with this in healthy manners by using it as leverage to fuel their determination, utilize stress reduction management, and/or plan for a way out or form actions to break through this wall. The addict behaves irriationally and with his/her cognitive distortions prefers the early way out which is either being complacent or resorting to old behaviors while he or she was in active addiction which can trigger him/her to have thoughts of using, crave, or simply forfeit recovery entirely and relapse intentionally.

Understanding the Pressure and Responsibility that Involve an Intimate Relationship

Dating and relationship involve responsibility whether it means being accountable to your partner, having one’s freedom slightly restricted, putting someone else’s plans and emotions first, and other trivial or significant daily activities that the recovering addict may not be able to be handle in the first year of recovery. The addict must put his recovery first which means attending his/her support meetings, getting the needed therapy (outpatient or individual treatment), avoiding triggers and old friends and places.

Dating can interfere with that unless the addict is fortunate to date another recovering addict (and even this is frowned upon in the 12 Step Program). Recovery in the first year is quite demanding and takes up a lot of the recovering addict’s time particularly if he or she has a job or children. The other person in the relationship may not be all that understanding about the conditions even if he or she feels that in the beginning of the relationship. Also, the addict in recovery during the first year should not be around bars, clubs, or engagements where people are drinking in case the addict begins to have thoughts of using especially if he or she has cravings as this may lead to drinking. It can be difficult for both people in the relationship to understand the restrictions, limitations, and boundaries that recovery demands and it can lead to unnecessary arguments and fights. Recovering addicts, in the first year, are still learning to develop stress and anger management skills and are prone to anxiety and unwanted tension.